It is really hard to deal with PTSD and heart disease while being estranged from your family. However, I rather deal with physical issues alone if it means I can be free from constant mood swings and anger. I didnt ever expect it to be like this in my 40s. I am not a perfect person, but wow. I guess my mental health issues were pretty apparent since I was 13. I mean I have never had a developing brain free from some kind of trauma and it really shows. This is really hard to accept when you do well in other areas of your life.
I kind of feel this could be the best case scenario for me. Like I could have been dead or strung out by now. I mean I look at the women that grew up in church with me and we aren’t ok. So many were victims of sexual assualt or had mental health problems. It is like I have to pick my poison. If I have to die alone, I just pray that God has mercy on me and let me go peaceful. I dont want to go into death terrified or fighting. I hope angels will just meet me in my sleep and guide me peacefully in the after life. I hope God will at least grant me that one last desire, especially since besides my children, I never had the chance to experience real love. I hope that I have garnered enough favor and grace to rest in peace, because it is clear to me my lack of faith or forgiveness has denied me the life that I truly wanted. I am ok with that though, I really tried my best. Despite the emotional pain I have lived with so long, I tried to love and give as much as possible. I tried to follow God’s Word, but honestly I dont understand the Bible as well as I thought. Like I still dont understand the Ravi Zacharias thing or that it seems that God punishes the victims of abuse, more than the abuser. But I also can’t deny God’s grace with me. I have committed so many sins that I am not proud of, but He blessed the family I created with my ex husband. I mean I’d rather die with the wonderful children I have experienced, than live a long life and have to see them suffer or harmed in some way. I cant lie I wish I knew the magic, that has allowed some families to see generations of blessings, not one child lost to death or tragedy. Maybe that will be a gift for my children. That they will live to see their great grandchildren do amazing things. Several generations of Nokuri children living in the fear of the Lord and impacting this world for the glory of God. I just pray that every generation after me has to deal with trauma of physical and spiritual abuse from their father. That they will have loving Godly parents, who will address mental health issues appropriately, who will not victim shame them if they are hurt by others in anyway, and will stand by them and not attack them if they end up in divorce. If I was put on this planet to stop generational curses, I am ok with that. I want nothing but the fear of the Lord, servant leadership and love to be apart of my legacy. Where ever I have fallen short in living up to my standards I repent in Jesus name.